


Justice is blind

by servantofclio



Series: Jocelyn Hawke [3]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Arguing, F/M, Hawke has some issues to work out, not Anders friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 20:11:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6624550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/servantofclio/pseuds/servantofclio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After fleeing Kirkwall, Hawke has it out with Anders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Justice is blind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Prideling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prideling/gifts).



Hawke waits until they’re clear and away from Kirkwall, tramping through the rugged highlands rising from the coastline, to ask her question. 

“Just tell me one thing. Was any of it real?” 

Anders’ forehead creases. He almost looks affronted. It makes her want to punch him in the face. “Of course it was, how can you –” 

“Or,” she says, her voice rising, “was I always just a convenient cover for you? A handy cloak to hide under? Did you ever actually _care_?” 

“Of course I cared!” he shouts. He stops, drawing a ragged breath. He rubs his hand over his face. He’s looking more haggard and drawn than ever, Hawke notes with a twinge of – something, she’s not sure what. Not pity. 

Anders draws another, calmer breath, and looks at her steadily out of hazel-brown eyes. “I did tell you from the beginning.” 

“That nothing was more important than your cause, right,” she says. “Is that supposed to make you guiltless?” 

His eyes narrow. “Of what, pray tell, do you think I am guilty?” 

“Besides murder and destruction?” Hawke snaps. 

His shoulders stiffen, and there might be the faintest flicker of blue in his eyes now. She keeps going, not leaving him any space to respond. “But besides that, you never told me _no_. You said you were busy with your healing and your manifesto, but you flirted with me anyway. You told me no one understood you like I did. You asked me to help you, and I did, over and over. I even distracted the Grand Cleric while you – Maker, what a fool I was. You slept in my bed, and you lived in my house. You _used_ me, Anders, and you –” Hot tears are spilling out of her eyes, and she scrubs at them furiously, probably smearing dirt across her cheek. “You told me I could count on you, after Mother – you were my family, when I didn’t have anyone else left, and you _used_ me.” 

She has to turn away then, squeezing her eyes shut and pressing the back of her hand against her mouth. She cannot tell if Anders moves. He stays silent for a while, and when he speaks he sounds infinitely weary. “I thought you understood. I thought you had your eyes open. Of course I loved you, but mages _must_ be freed, you know that.” 

Hawke wipes away what she hopes is the last of her tears and turns to face him. “Do you know what’s almost funny? I did agree with you, about the Circles. You knew I did. How many mages did we help escape the Gallows? I lost count. Years, Anders, we were together for _years_ , you had every reason to trust me, and you still wouldn’t tell me what you were really planning.” 

“It was necessary,” he says, but he can’t summon up his usual fire and urgency. “People needed to see. People needed to understand that the Chantry is what props up the whole system.” 

“You’ve said this all before,” she says. “I want to talk to Justice.” 

Anders shakes his head. “You know it doesn’t work like that. We’re not separate, I can’t just summon him up out of nowhere.” 

“Does that mean he’s listening right now?” she says, pushing herself forward. “Then both of you, tell me this. Is it _just_ that ash is raining down all over Kirkwall right now? Is it fair that the ordinary people of Lowtown and Darktown have to suffer for your cause? What about all the shit the Chantry does for poor people? They run the orphanges and the schools, Anders. Who’s going to do that now? And what about the mages who don’t want to leave the Circle? Was what you did just for any of them?” 

Anders’ jaw tightens while she’s speaking. When she stops, he says, “We can make a new, better system. Others can step in to take on those tasks, and do them better. As long as mages are free—” 

Hawke cuts him off with bitter laugh. “Yes. Because everyone’s so eager to let you create the new order of things _now_.” 

He has nothing to say to that, it’s clear from the twist of his mouth. Hawke crosses her arms over her breasts and adds, “I think you didn’t tell me what you were planning because you knew I’d tell you not to do it, and you didn’t want to come up with a better plan.” 

“Do you think I haven’t tried?” Anders snaps at her. 

“Or maybe,” Hawke says, “the real problem is that you were always too focused on one thing, and you never really looked around at the bigger picture.” 

“That’s not fair,” Anders says. 

Hawke shrugs. “There are a lot more poor people than mages.” 

“And I did what I could to help them!” 

“Right,” she says. “And when it comes to war between the mages and the templars and the Chantry and whoever else, how do you think they’ll do?” 

His mouth curls, and his shoulders hunch. “It was necessary,” he says again, in a thin voice. 

Hawke is abruptly exhausted. Her eyes still sting, but it feels like the fury has emptied her out. “I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” she says, and turns to continue along the trail.


End file.
